


my slip-ups haunt me in my dreams

by horlik_aholic



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Smut, abusive!zayn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-15
Updated: 2013-05-15
Packaged: 2017-12-11 22:17:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/803855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horlik_aholic/pseuds/horlik_aholic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn growled lowly, eyebrows knit together angrily as Niall’s smile faltered. The blonde had seen that look in Zayn’s eyes before, and his stomach flipped with nerves over its reappearance.</p>
<p>Harry had slipped out of the room the second Niall had spotted Zayn, smiling to himself as he left the couple alone. The empty room was quiet around them before Niall suddenly found himself on the floor, a jarring pain in his shoulder the only indication of what had happened. Before he could react, there was a flash of limbs and another sharp blow to the blonde’s side.</p>
<p>The silence was punctuated by a muffled cry of pain as Niall realized what had happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	my slip-ups haunt me in my dreams

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on my tumblr, weyheyhorlik.tumblr.com
> 
> prompted by jack and beta'd by justin, you guys rock yo
> 
> title taken from insomniac's lullaby by ed sheeran which you should all go listen to because it rocks
> 
> enjoy :) x

[(x)](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tx6YaNrnxQ)

“WINNERRR!” Zayn held out the last letter of the word, running around the tour bus triumphantly with his arms raised high. As he came back through the room they had been playing FIFA in, Niall saw his chance and pounced on his best friend, sending them both toppling into the couch with a muffled “Oof!”

“Yeh may’ve beat me this time, Malik, but don’t count on this being a regular thing, yeah?” Niall huffed out, still wrestling with with the older lad against the black fabric of the cushions. Without any warning at all, their positions were flipped and suddenly Zayn was on top of him, smiling wickedly. Niall had only enough time to wonder what he was up to before he saw, in slow motion, a pair of strong, tanned hands crashing haphazardly into his sides, fingers digging playfully into the sensitive part of his flesh and causing Niall to howl in laughter.

And if Niall wasn’t expecting a tickle fight to break out, he sure as hell wasn’t expecting the pair of lips that were suddenly pressed up against his own the next moment.

 

Niall’s eyes shot open wide, taken aback by the unexpected turn of events; his lips still and unresponsive in confusion. He felt his movement completely restricted by the pair of hands gripping his own arms tightly, holding him in place, and Niall could already feel himself bruising from the sheer force of Zayn’s hold on him. Zayn persisted in his attempt to get Niall to reciprocate, and after another brief moment, the blonde began kissing back hesitantly.

Then, far too soon, Zayn was pulling away; Niall only half in control of himself as he struggled under Zayn, trying desperately to reconnect their lips. Zayn laughed breathlessly, locking eyes with the blonde. His smile was easy, relaxed, but his eyes were intense and serious. Niall squirmed a little under his gaze, ducking his head nervously.

Finally Zayn spoke, “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

Niall smiled sheepishly at the admission; he knew the feeling. “Yeah, I, uh, I guess I could say the same. Which sucks, ya know, cause we coulda been doing this for a long time…”

Zayn’s eyes remained focused on Niall, his gaze never wavering as he answered lowly, “Well we better make up for lost time then, yeah?”

Without another word, their mouths came crashing back together, meeting each other halfway. Zayn finally released Niall’s arms, putting his weight on his elbows to keep from crushing Niall and tangling his fingers in the blonde locks roughly. Niall snaked his newly freed arms around Zayn’s waist, interlocking his fingers and letting them fall right at the waistband of his pants. 

They kissed like that for a long time. Like, so long that Niall’s thoughts were clouded and bereft of everything except  _zaynzaynzaynzaynzayn_. When they finally pulled apart again, both sported matching swollen lips and disheveled hair. 

“Um…hah. Wow,” Niall smiled up at Zayn, breathing still heavy. 

“Yeah…” Zayn trailed off, never breaking eye contact with the Irishman. “Be my boyfriend, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay, I can live with that,” Niall allowed playfully. He could feel his grin threatening to split his face in half, and he really couldn’t be arsed to try to hide it.

He met Zayn’s lips for one last chaste kiss and then Zayn was changing positions, squeezing himself between the back of the couch and Niall’s body. Niall curled into his warm embrace and sighed contentedly. The two had spooned before, no doubt, but never as  _boyfriends_  and wow everything was so sudden and the realization made Niall absolutely giddy as his eyelids fluttered closed. Both lads’ breathing evened out, in rhythm with each other, as they drifted off to sleep. 

* * *

 

The adrenaline that always seemed to come with preforming was coursing through Niall's veins, if his bouncing around on stage was any indication of that. He couldn't keep still, flying from one end of the stage to the other in record time, somehow managing to avoid knocking any of his band mates over in the process. He looked around, barely conscious of what was going on, and grabbed the closest person to him - Louis.

Lou was startled by the pair of hands suddenly grabbing at his waist, but recovered quickly, sidling up to Niall playfully. Niall was drunk on adrenaline, and soon found himself swooping down to place a long, sloppy kiss to Louis' cheek.

Zayn, watching from the opposite end of the stage, saw red. What the  _fuck_  did he think he was doing?

Louis wrapped his arm around Niall's neck and pulled him down into a noogie, using his fist to completely demolish Niall's perfectly styled hair and Lou (Teasdale, obviously) was  _not_  going to be happy with Louis.

Narrowing his eyes, Zayn swooped over to where the two were standing and pushed Louis off of the blonde aggressively. Louis just laughed at Zayn and stalked away, going to find Liam and bother him, instead.

Zayn didn't let Niall out of his sights the rest of the show; always there to pull him away when Harry got a little too handsy or Liam got brave with Niall's nip slips. He was pushing and pulling Niall every which way, undoubtedly leaving bruises, not even making an attempt to conceal his anger and desperation to show everyone who Niall truly belonged to.

Finally,  _finally_ , the show ended. Zayn knew he was being irrational; Liam and Louis were sickeningly in love, and Harry was always eager to be affectionate, but this knowledge did nothing to ease the anger pulsing behind his hazel eyes. 

He walked over to where Niall stood and shoved Harry out of the way, pulling the blonde into his chest protectively, grip tight around Niall's bicep. Through Zayn's angry haze he could see the confused look on Harry's face, before a scoff coming from behind him caught his attention.

Louis managed to disconnect his face from Liam's long enough to tease Zayn. "Cool it, bad _boi_ ," he quipped, raising his eyebrows meaningfully.

Pulling Niall closer, Zayn's fingers dug into Niall forearms as he glared at Louis. "Enough Lou," he warned, pulling Niall out of the room.

Zayn let his breathing slow as vision cleared, running a hand through his own hair distractedly as he tried to figure out what just happened.

Laughing nervously, Niall reached forward and let his hand rest against Zayn's hip in reassurance. "Hey," he began gently, "M'right here. What's going on?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled through it, feeling all his earlier anger drain out of him. 

"Dunno, really," he sighed, "just got weirdly jealous out there seeing you, you know, flirting and what not." He felt himself blush, a rarity, and almost instantly Niall's fingers were on Zayn's face, tracing the gentle red tinge swept across his tan face.

"It's always like that though, you know that. S'just how we are."

"Yeah," Zayn breathed, still trying to figure out what had happened to him out there, "Yeah, I know. Sorry, Ni." He pressed a kiss to Niall's forehead, lips brushing the pale skin gently before he spoke again. "M'fine now, c'mon let's go back out and find out what we're doing for tonight, yeah?"

Niall smiled, heading out of the room with Zayn's hand in his own, pulling the older lad behind him. "Yep, thank God, m'starving!"

* * *

 

Another day, another show. More flirting.

Yet again, red tinted Zayn's vision as he watched his boyfriend strut around the stage, the other lad's trailing behind him like puppies desperate for Niall's attention. Zayn couldn't get past the sneaking suspicion that Louis had put them all up to it, because,  _yeah_ , they always flirted with each other, but never like _this_.

After finishing, Zayn stormed off the stage, head swiveling as he searched for where Niall had gone off to.  

There Niall was, in fact, just to Zayn's left, laughing intimately with Harr. The sound Zayn let out was comparable to a growl as he grabbed Niall by the back of the neck of his shirt, pulling him towards a dressing room. Harry and the others laughed, assuming Zayn was just uncontrollably horny from all the teasing they had been doing that night.

Niall assumed the same, laughing as Zayn shut the door to the dressing room behind them. "Someone's a little eag-"

His words were cut off by a sudden flash of movement and a stinging on his cheek. It took him a second to process what had happened as his own hands flew up to his face, gently touching the place where Zayn's hand had struck him moments before, confusion clouding his eyes. 

"Zayn..?" his eyes were wide, and as he watched Zayn, it seemed as if the older lad was snapping out of a trance. His hazel eyes refocused and horror crossed his features.

"Oh, god, Niall, I'm so sorry, I- I didn't mean to do that just. Just I was so angry because Lou, and Harry, and Liam, and oh god, I'm sorry..."  

Zayn babbled along until Niall cut him off with his lips, sharing a quick kiss before speaking.

"Shhh, Zayn, it's fine, okay? I'm not mad, please just calm down," Niall begged. Although he hadn't exactly been speaking coherently, Niall got the gist of what Zayn had been trying to say. "The jealousy thing, again?"

"Ni.." Zayn looked lost. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm really sorry, I just, I saw you with Louis and Liam and especially  _Harry_  and I don't know, I just saw red, just like last time, and I didn't know what I was doing until..." He trailed off, praying Niall would understand. "It's like I can't control myself at all." He wilted a bit as he realized just how true his own words rang. He couldn't explain the feeling that overcame his; all he knew was that this was  _his_  Niall and no on else could have him, he didn't want to share.

Nuzzling his head in the crook of Zayn's neck, Niall smiled reassuringly. "It's fine, it is, I promise. You know you've got me wrapped around your finger, you don't need to worry about the others. I'll always be  _yours_." He stressed the last word, looking at the dark haired lad meaningfully. 

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Zayn let out a breath he had been holding in, still trying to expel the last of his anger. "No, it's  _not_  fine, but..ah," he kissed Niall hard, trying to convey his regret, before continuing, "You know that however jealous I get, whatever I do, I have always, and will always, love you, right?" He spoke every word with conviction and deliberation, putting his heart behind the words he meant so much.

Niall's eyes snapped to meet Zayn's, mouth falling openly slightly in surprise. "What?" he breathed quietly, accent heavy in his shock. Zayn had never told him he loved him before.

Clearing his throat, Zayn looked to his shoes before meeting Niall's gaze again dead on. He wanted to be looking the Irishman in the eyes when he said it. "Yeah, um, I love you. I love you loads and I have for a while. It's fine if you don't wanna say it back, of course, but, like, I wanted to make sure you knew-"

Yet again, Zayn's nervous rambling was cut off by a pair of lips. 

The stinging on his cheek was forgotten completely as Niall pulled away, eyes sparkling. "I love you, too, Z."

* * *

 

The next morning, Niall woke to the sounds of muffled chatter coming from the hotel hallway. Sighing contentedly, he rolled over and began  tracing the bare collarbone of his sleeping boyfriend. 

Zayn's eyes fluttered open, and Niall watched as the hazel eyes squinted and focused, becoming aware of his surroundings. When his eyes finally met Niall's, he smiled happily. "Mornin' Ni," his voice broke slightly from hours of disuse and he rubbed at his eyes to rid them of the residual sleep.

"I love you," Niall blurted out unthinkingly, immediately flushing red.

Laughing, Zayn wrapped his arms around the younger lad and pulled him close, allowing Niall to bury his face in the crook of Zayn's neck. He felt Niall nip at his 'friday?' tattoo as he responded, "And I love you. And, last night was like borderline perfect, like."

"Just borderline?" Niall pulled back and sat up, playfully offended.

"Well, I mean like, you did manage to elbow me in the face in your haste to remove my shirt.." Zayn teased, pointing to the exact spot on his face where Niall's limb had hit him for good measure.

Niall stuck his tongue out before going in for a chaste kiss and snuggling back into the warmth of his boyfriend. He smiled as he thought about the previous night; their first time together. The calm happiness that had settled over Niall's body was only marred by the nagging memory of when Zayn had hit him after the show, but he shook it off and let himself enjoy this moment, instead. 

And things were good again.

For a while.

* * *

Just over a month later, something suspiciously similar happened. It wasn't that Niall meant to flirt with his other band mates, honestly, he just loved being friendly and that was what One Direction did, it was what they were  _known_  for. 

"Niall," Harry called, beckoning the blonde over. "Y'want to come shopping with me?"

"Yeah!" came Niall's response without a trace of hesitation.

Zayn was sleeping and Niall was bored, practically just sitting around moping as he waited for his boyfriend to wake up. Naturally, he'd jumped at the offer, looking forward to spending some time with his favorite head of curls.

When Zayn woke up later and found out where Niall had gone, he saw red again for the first time in a over month. He didn't know what set him off; Niall had hung out with the other lads alone before and Zayn had fine with it, he'd always been fine with it. Of course he was always fine with it, they were basically brothers, he didn't know what had happened. And he couldn't stop himself. 

Walking in the door with raucous laughter escaping their lips, Niall and Harry collapsed on the couch of the tour bus in a tangle of limbs, their bags of purchases abandoned and forgotten beside the entrance. 

Before long, they both became aware of Zayn brooding in the corner, watching them silently.

"Z!" Niall exclaimed excitedly, hopping off the couch and running into his boyfriend's arms, "Been waitin' for ya to wake up all morning!"

Zayn growled lowly, eyebrows knit together angrily as Niall's smile faltered. The blonde had seen that look in Zayn's eyes before, and his stomach flipped with nerves over its reappearance.

Harry had slipped out of the room the second Niall had spotted Zayn, smiling to himself as he left the couple alone. The empty room was quiet around them before Niall suddenly found himself on the floor, a jarring pain in his shoulder the only indication of what had happened. Before he could react, there was a flash of limbs and another sharp blow to the blonde's side.

The silence was punctuated by a muffled cry of pain as Niall realized what had happened.

As quickly has it had begun, it was over. Niall blindly felt himself being pulled off the ground and was standing on his feet again moments later. "Wha-" was all he could get out before Zayn's lips were moving against his own hungrily. 

His brain finally stuttered back to life and Niall pulled away from his boyfriend, shock etched in every line of his face. 

Before he could speak, Zayn cut him off again. "You're mine," his voice was rough and low, but his eyes were softer than they had been before.

Niall just barely had time to register all this before Zayn was kissing him again, and this time, Niall kissed him back.

That night, he lay in his bunk on the tour bus, tucked comfortably in Zayn's side and watched the steady rise and fall of the tan lad's chest. His thoughts raced and he was acutely aware of the dull ache in his hip and shoulder.

He reasoned with himself, allowing his thoughts to convince him that everything was alright; Zayn himself had told Niall to remember that no matter what he does, he'd always love the blonde lad, and Niall trusted Zayn with his whole heart. Zayn was always the perfect boyfriend and best friend to the Irishman, he wouldn't let the occasional incident like this ruin that. 

Ignoring the nagging feeling in his chest, Niall curled up closer to Zayn and allowed himself to rationalize staying with Zayn despite the abuse.

* * *

 

From then on, it happened on and off in much the same manner every time.

They would be perfect for a while, going weeks without a problem, when without warning Zayn would snap. He would see red and he would growl and he would hurt Niall and Niall would force himself to accept that this was how it was going to be and it was worth putting up with Zayn's temper in order to keep the Zayn that he loved, that he would always love and that would always love him. As far as Niall was concerned, it worked just fine that way.

Zayn was furious. With himself, for hurting Niall constantly, with Niall, for staying with Zayn despite everything he was doing to him, and with all of their loved ones for believing they were in a perfect relationship.

He loved the blonde lad so much, more than he had ever loved anything, and he absolutely despised himself for putting Niall through his abuse. He hated how he couldn't control himself when that feeling overtook him, how he would see red and everything would go blank until he was able to shake it off, only to find Niall on the ground at his feet, whimpering in fear and pain. 

Most of all, though, Zayn hated that he was too selfish to let his beautiful Irishman go, that he allowed himself to stay with Niall even though he knew Niall deserved so much better.

* * *

 

The inevitable happened one day after a matinee concert.

Niall was in the changing room in the venue; it was a hotel night but he had planned on going to grab some dinner with Zayn and maybe hitting a club. He was humming Rock Me to himself as he slipped out of his half leather/half denim jacket- that song always seemed to get stuck in his head.

The door opened just as he was pulling the thin t-shirt over his head and off, and Niall thought nothing of it as he grabbed for the zip up he wanted to wear.

"Ni, I was just gonna-"

Hearing Liam's voice falter mid sentence, Niall raised his head to look at the older lad, quirking his eyebrow quizzically. He laughed at Liam's face, vaguely wondering what he was gawking at as he joked, "S'matter? You look like you've just seen a ghost, mate."

Liam just kept staring, eyes strangely not on Niall's face but his body, and Niall wond-

Oh. 

_**Oh.** _

Niall crammed the zip up over his head, not bothering with the zipper as he tried to hide the incriminating bruises littering his sides and chest. It was too late though, the damage was done.

Keeping quiet, Niall watched as Liam's gaze slowly slid up to meet Niall's eyes. "Li, mate, s'not what you think..." he trailed off lamely.

In a matter of seconds, Liam's expression had transformed from one of mild confusion to one of pure rage and,  _ **shit**_ , Niall probably shouldn't have said that because he probably just tipped Liam off to where the bruises had come from.

"Who did this to you, Niall," Liam's voice was eerily calm, in stark contrast to his facial features contorted in anger.

"I... fell," it was weak and Niall knew it.

"Was it Zayn?"

Niall didn't answer, chewing on his fingernails as he tried to think of a way to make it seem better than it was. Again, it was too late, as Liam took Niall's silence as answer enough. 

"I'm going to fucking kill him."

Niall was scared, he rarely even saw Liam angry, let alone livid. The larger lad bolted from the room and it took Niall's brain a moment to catch up before he was sprinting after his friend, calling desperately, "Liam, wait!"

Liam ran headlong into Zayn, knocking the Bradford lad down easily, and Zayn laughed, utterly unaware of what was about to happen.

"Easy there killer, I don't know what you're running for but-"

Zayn stopped speaking as he met Liam's eyes. The fury burning behind them was the last thing he saw before Liam's fist connected with Zayn's jaw, and Niall's boyfriend was out like a light.

* * *

 

"Z...?" Zayn heard Niall's voice call tentatively, and he forced his eyes open, eyelids feeling as if they weighed 8 tons. 

"Ni?" his voice was rough from hours of disuse, and to say he was confused would be the understatement of the year.

He had no idea where he was, looking up to see Niall hovering over him and nothing but white ceilings and curtains behind the blonde. He made an attempt to turn his neck to take in more of his surroundings but quickly found out a throbbing headache would allow no such movement. Letting out a low groan, he realized his entire body felt as he would imagine it would feel to be hit by a truck. 

"Wha?" he asked groggily, hoping Niall would understand his relatively unasked question.

He did. "Liam," he responded quietly, letting Zayn recollect what had happened on his own.

Zayn watched on replay in his head, Liam's fist approaching his face in slow motion before everything going black, and he groaned again. "He found out."

"Mhm,"  Niall voice was wrecked, sounding as if he hadn't slept in forever.

"Ni," Zayn's voice broke, "Ni, I'm so sorry, I-"

"I know you're sorry Zayn. But, I just- I can't be with you anymore."

Fighting the overwhelming weariness and sadness he felt, Zayn forced himself to meet Niall's eyes, which looked as if they were about to spill over with tears. 

Pushing through the silence, Niall continued, "Z- ehm I mean, Zayn, the press found out about what Liam did. They don't know why but. But they're gonna be digging. They're gonna want details. And the other boys, well. Obviously none of them are particularly happy with you right now and told me I need to end this. Need to end us." He swallowed down the lump in his throat as his eyes followed Zayn closely, gauging his reaction.

A heavy sigh escaped the older lad's lips, and it was all he could to do hold back the sobs threatening to overtake him. "It's all my fault, how could I..." he fell silent momentarily before again forcing himself to meet Niall's eyes. "It was selfish of me to put you through that. I'm so sorry.."

Niall just returned his words with a sad smile, trying not to let himself remember the myriad of great times he'd had with Zayn; instead focusing on the few times he actually  _had_  hurt him- that was the only way he could make this easier. 

Wincing, he forced himself to think about the sharp jab of the toe of Zayn's shoe in his side before he allowed himself to speak. "I love you, Zayn. I always will. But- right now..." he swallowed, "Right now we need to keep this band together and focus on fixing everything that's been broken. You're just. You're not right for me, not right now."

Zayn felt his heart shatter into smaller pieces with every word his boyfriend- er,  _ **ex**_ -boyfriend- spoke.

"M'sorry, Zayn," Niall added quietly, turning on his heel to exit the room.

He was just passing through the doorway when he heard Zayn's impossibly soft, "I love you, too, so much..." and for a moment, he pretended that Zayn hadn't said anything, that he'd imagined it. He knew though. Knew he hadn't imagined it. And that thought alone had him sliding down the hospital wall, knees pulled into his chest as he let out the tears he'd managed to withhold throughout the entire thing.

Minutes later, Louis rounded the corner, headed towards Zayn's room, to find the blonde silently crying, tears rolling down his face. He dropped down beside Niall and pulled him into his arms, "Hey, don't cry okay? Everything will work out." Even to himself, the consolation sounded weak.

"He told me he loves me," Niall hiccuped into Louis' shirt, "The worst part is that I know he does. And I love him, too. Even after all this."

Louis' eyes hardened as he pulled Niall closer to him, arms closing even tighter around the Irishman. "He's no good for you, Ni. We're gonna keep him around...but only for the sake of the band. I don't want you going near him again for a while. You both need space."

Another tear slid down Niall's face as he considered Louis' words. He had always looked at Louis as a stand-in, of sorts, for Greg; essentially his older brother for when they were touring. Even though he didn't want to hear it- Niall knew Louis was right.

* * *

 

"Li, have you seen this?" Harry inquired four days later, sliding that morning's paper across the table to the older lad.

All five were in Louis and Liam's flat, gathered around the kitchen table. The only one not at the table was Zayn, who was instead hovering awkwardly in the doorway of the room, feeling, rightfully, left out.

Liam picked up the newspaper as it came to a stop in front of him, quickly scanning the headlines to see what Harry was on about. It didn't take him long to find the section, and he read it aloud to his band mates, " 'Liam Payne's fist goes in 'One Direction'." 

"So the press have found out then," Niall commented idly, examining his nails as he picked at a loose cuticle. 

"Were bound to find out sooner or later, weren't they?" Louis jumped in, throwing a glare in Zayn's general direction, "We cancelled 6 shows because of it, of course they were gonna do some digging."

Zayn's head was throbbing from the concussion he had received, and he closed his eyes before breathing out his millionth apology since he had been released from the hospital. "I'm sorry..." he voice was nearly inaudible, but the way the atmosphere in the room tensed was indication enough that everyone had heard. 

His atonement went largely ignored, with the exception of Niall, who met Zayn's gaze with the corners of his lips turned down at the sides, looking so desperately like he wanted to accept the apology and run with it. Their gazes remained locked only momentarily, before Niall's eyes fell to his lap without a word.

Sighing, Zayn stuffed his hands in his pockets, grateful that Niall was at least acknowledging him; which was more than could be said for the other three. 

Finally, Louis broke the charged silence with a loud, "I'm starved!" He stood up, pulling Niall along with him as he wrapped his arms around the blonde protectively. "Nialler and I are going to eat. You coming along?" He angled his body away from Zayn, making it clear he was not invited and not wanted.

"I'll come," Liam agreed, pressing a kiss to Louis' cheek.

Louis looked at Harry expectantly.

Harry's eyes drifted over to Zayn, fully looking at him for the first time in days. His eyes were focused on shoes as he toed at the edge of one of the tiles. Bruises littered his face, mostly faded to gentle yellows and greens rather than the bright blues and purples they had been earlier that week. The stitches where Liam had busted open his upper lip looked out of place on the dark-haired lad's usually perfect face.

"Think I'm gonna pass on this one," Harry shrugged, turning back to Louis, "Not really hungry."

"Suit yourself." Turning on his heel, Louis dragged Niall from the room and out of the apartment, with Liam trailing behind.

There was a gentle thud of the door closing and suddenly Harry and Zayn were the only ones in the flat. Zayn seemed to notice this a moment after Harry had, and he looked up at Harry warily.

"I'll go back to my flat, I s'pose," he muttered, voice thick, not expecting to be acknowledged. 

Both were surprised when Harry spoke up, voice gentle, "Hey, no. You don't have to." It was the most any of them had said to Zayn in 4 days, and Zayn's head snapped around to look at Harry. Gulping, the curly haired lad continued, "You look like you need a friend."

Zayn nodded, not trusting his voice, and Harry grabbed him and pulled him into a hug, tanned face nuzzled into the taller lad's chest as an errant curl rubbed against his face.

They stayed like that for a while, just hugging, before Zayn pulled away with a slight nod. "Thanks for that, Haz...I needed that. Not that I deserve it, but.."

Harry sighed, and he was certain he'd done more sighing today alone than he had done collectively in his entire life. "Look, obviously you fucked up royally. Either way, you're still one of our, yes _our_ , best mates in the world. Give it time."

Nodding, Zayn thought about Harry's words for a long while before finally answering, "Yeah, s'pose there's not really other way t'do it, is there?"

"No, not at all," Harry agreed. It was quiet for a moment before Harry spoke up again, "And Zayn? Stay away from Niall. I know you already know that but. It's best for him."

Zayn left out a defeated little huff and nodded ruefully. "I know," he muttered, dropping his gaze from Harry.

Frowning at the older lad, Harry wrapped one arm around him and squeezed reassuringly. "C'mon, let's go play some FIFA."

Harry was essentially throwing him a life raft and Zayn knew it, so he grabbed it and held on for dear life. The thought of leaving the band had crossed his mind more than once in the days since Liam had found out; it was hard having your best friends hate you and even harder when you already hate yourself. Maybe, though, just maybe, Harry was right, and they'd come around with time, even if he couldn't forgive himself. Until then, he was just glad to have Harry.

* * *

 

Unsurprisingly, Harry had been right.

To be fair, Harry knew more than he looked like he would. To see Harry was usually to see a kid who barely had any idea what he was doing, innocently flitting around from country to country and living the pop star life. In reality, Harry was actually quite intuitive and clever (not that Zayn would ever admit that to Harry) while still managing to be a lovable dope.

So, yes, eventually, the other members of One Direction started coming around. It was gradual, as was to be expected, but unmistakable.

A good-morning nod from Louis here, a peace-offering invitation out from Liam there, and things were on their way to returning to normal. Almost.

There was still the matter of Niall. Niall wasn't his any longer, probably would never be (though Zayn liked to hope). 

Shows had long since started up again, and to the crowd nothing seemed amiss. If a few fans noticed the lack of interaction between Zayn and Niall, well, it happened. 

Though they had officially accepted Zayn back into their affections, the other 3 were wary about leaving Zayn in a room alone with Niall, or letting them get too close to each other on stage or in interviews. 

Zayn still felt that old twitch of red rising in his emotions when he was forced away from Niall, but was now able to suffocate it immediately. He'd learned his lesson months ago, and apparently getting the shit beat out of him by the most docile and amiable person he knew was what it took for him to be able to control that rush of anger. 

Seeing Niall never got any easier. They skated around each other at all times; the few conversations they'd shared since Zayn had been in the hospital were cordial and unnatural, always monitored by one or more of the others. 

And Zayn knew. Knew it wasn't easy for Niall, either. He saw the way Niall looked at him sometimes, was sure Niall's expression was essentially a mirror image of his own thoughts. 

* * *

 

3 months after the incident and the five were going out after a particularly good show somewhere on the west coast of America. 

"That crowd was fucking brill," Louis crowed on the way to the club, voice muffled slightly by Liam's shirt. "I'm hyped. Can't wait to drink till I forget my name."

Laughing, Niall raised his beer in the air slightly with an enthusiastic, "Cheers to that, mate!" They weren't even at the club yet and Niall had already started drinking (he said he was 'pre-gaming', which was apparently what they called it in America). Zayn fought back the urge to to skim his fingers along Niall's jaw affectionately, setting his teeth and firmly reminding himself that he couldn't do those things, Niall wasn't his, he didn't deserve Niall.

The club was exclusive and they got in easily despite the fact that 4/5 of them were still underage in America, all of them immediately hitting the bar for drinks. 

It didn't take long before Harry was stupid drunk, pulling random girls and guys alike in for a kiss or a dance or senseless drunken conversation. Management would have a lot of shit to cover up for from tonight, Zayn realized idly. Not that he particularly cared. 

Liam and Louis were in a booth, nearly as drunk as Harry, and giggling together. Actually _giggling_ , and hell if Zayn didn't give them shit about  _that_  the next morning.

Zayn was drinking with much more reserve than the other four, not particularly in the mood to make a fool out of himself. He swiveled a little in the bar stool he was sat in, watching the dance floor sway with masses of people who seriously lacked rhythm. 

Warm breathing tickled his ear and he startled, looking to his left and locking eyes with vibrant blue ones that he hadn't seen this close up in  _months_. His breath got caught in his throat as his eyes flickered down to his favorite pair of lips, which were currently stretched into a wide grin.

"Hullo Zayn!" Niall slurred, and Zayn's head whipped from side to side to see if any of the others were watching them.

When he caught sight of them still wrapped up in their own little worlds, he groaned. He didn't have enough self control for this. And he  _definitely_  didn't have enough alcohol in his system to deal with it.

He grabbed his drink and brought it to his lips, taking a quick swig before answering, "Hi Niall."

Niall's mouth immediately turned down into a pout, and Zayn would be lying if he said that he didn't wanna grab Niall's bottom lip between his own teeth and suck. Shit.

"You hate me," Niall's statement rang accusingly in Zayn's ear as the older lad took another large sip of his drink. 

Zayn barked out laughter, nearly spraying alcohol everywhere as he choked down the rest of the liquid. " _Me_  hate  _you_? Hardly, Ni."

"Then kiss me."

This time, Zayn actually  _did_  spit of part of his drink. Onto Niall, actually. The Irishman just laughed (god Zayn missed hearing that laugh directed at him) and continued looking at Zayn expectantly, waiting for a reaction.

"Wha -" was all Zayn managed to get out before the other apparently got sick of waiting and there was a familiar pair of lips pressing up against his own sloppily.

Zayn wasn't really one for cliches, but he would be kidding himself if he denied that fireworks were going off in his head. His thoughts were already a little cloudy from the alcohol but  _this_ \- this did something to him far more impairing than the artificial effects of alcohol. It was intoxicating in a way he'd never experienced before; the feeling of kissing the very person he never thought he'd even be in a room alone with again.

Losing himself in the drunken, wet kiss, it felt like hours later that they finally both pulled apart, seemingly simultaneously. Their breathing was heavy and rapid, inhales and exhales in time with each other.

"Missed tha'," Niall slurred, disoriented from both the alcohol coursing through his veins and the taste of Zayn's mouth that still lingered in his own. 

"C'mon," and before Zayn knew what he was doing, he had Niall by the hand and was pulling him towards the exit of the club. 

Finding their driver waiting outside for them, Zayn dropped Niall's hand quickly. "Uhh, we're both a little drunk and a lot tired. D'you think you could, you know, bring us to the hotel?"

The driver raised his eyes at Zayn questioningly, knowing full well what had gone on between the two months earlier and clearly not buying Zayn's stuttered out story one bit. 

Voice whining a bit, Niall piped up, "C'mon Don, please? Begging ya, m'exhausted..."

Don sighed before consenting; he'd always had a bit of a soft spot for Niall. "Fine, but don't make me regret this," he warned, fully aware that his warning fell on deaf ears. 

The two hopped in the back, managing to keep their hands to themselves (for the most part), until they pulled up in front of the hotel. The late hour left only a few fans still gathered out front, and they posed for some quick pictures, managing to exercise an impressive amount of self-control before hurrying into the lobby.

They were stumbling all over the place, Niall in particular. It took them an embarrassingly long time to figure out how to get up to Niall's room (even longer to get the key in the slot), and finally,  _finally_  they were inside. Together. Alone.

For a moment, they just looked at each other, Zayn taking in the endless expanses of pale skin flushed pink with alcohol and arousal, lips still slightly swollen from the earlier unexpected make-out session, eyes brighter than Zayn had seen them in.. months.

And Niall, well. Niall was also taking in Zayn, his thoughts not as clear or concise as Zayn's, but more along the lines of prettyprettypretty and damn those cheekbones and that jawline and..

They were kissing again, neither sure when or how it'd happened but both grateful it finally had.Tan hands fisted in blonde hair as they tumbled onto the bed clumsily, limbs flailing. 

Niall readjusted himself above Zayn, slipping down to suck at the underside of the older lad's chin.

Somewhere in the back of Zayn's drunken mind, he felt a nagging sensation warning him against this. Not that he didn't want Niall, _God_  he wanted Niall more than anything, but that he knew what the repercussions of this could be. Knew how the others would react.

But then Niall's mouth released his neck and he was pulling his own clothes off before roughly undressing Zayn, and  _fuck_. Zayn stopped thinking, succumbed under the feeling Niall's body against his as he let his instincts take over.

* * *

 

Zayn woke up with a groan, mouth dry and limbs sore as he tried to roll over. Another body blocked him, and Zayn's eyes flew open in confusion as his hand brushed against someone else's.

He let his eyes roam the form beside him before realizing it was Niall's naked body that filled his line of vision. "Shit!" he swore softly as he rolled away from the blonde, knocking off the pale arm that had been strewn across his torso as his feet hit the ground.

He stood up quickly, cringing in pain as he pulled on his boxers and jeans, followed by a shirt. 

"Niall," his panicked voice filled the room and the blonde shifted, letting out an angry grunt. "Niall!" he tried again, eyes darting around the room even though he knew they were alone. 

Niall grabbed his covers and pulled them over his head, muffling an annoyed, "What."

Unsure of what to say, Zayn just stood there, looking at Niall, and waited for him to remember.

There was a beat of silence before, "Look, I got fucking smashed last night, hungover is an understatement. I don't even wanna know how you got in my room, but if ya still wanna chat come back in like four hours, assuming I'm not dead by then." Niall rolled onto his stomach, pulled a pillow over his head, and the conversation was over. Zayn wanted to roll his eyes at the dramatics, but there was a much more pressing matter at hand.

"Uhh," Zayn managed, before being promptly shut up by a growl emanating from the Irishman. Wait. Niall didn't remember? 

The more he thought about it, the more sense it made. Niall really  _had_  been smashed...even more so than Zayn had realized. Which, shit, that made it worse, didn't it? Zayn would be accused of taking advantage of Niall and fuck, he would lose Niall  _again_  and go back to being the outcast  _again_. 

Unless.

Well, if Niall didn't remember, did anyone really need to know? 

Zayn stole another glance at the sleeping blonde before quietly making his way out, hurrying down the hallway to his own room. 

* * *

 

Things were a lot more difficult after that. 

Looking at Niall and remembering their drunken night together, being reminded of all the things he loved about Niall, knowing that despite everything, he still couldn't be with Niall.

It also didn't help that the other lads were finally letting their guard down when it came to the two; not constantly monitoring their every move when they were around each other. 

"Hey Z," Niall plopped down next to Zayn on the very couch they shared their first kiss on. 

Zayn coughed, trying to scoot away inconspicuously as he replied with a reserved, "Hi."

Looking at the Bradford lad out of the side of his eye, Niall grinned. "I've missed ya, Zayn. M'glad we're finally allowed to talk again."

Zayn's heart was literally beating in his throat, though he had no idea why he was so nervous. Swallowing to relax himself, he returned the eager smile, forcing his own eyes to stay focused on Niall's instead of fluttering down to his lips.

"Same on both counts," he finally acknowledged, and damnit,  _honestly_ , why was his heart beating so hard? 

It was quiet for a moment, with Zayn silently praying that the pumping of his heart wasn't audible, before Niall spoke up, "FIFA?"

Breathing out a sigh of relief, Zayn nodded, grabbing two controllers and tossing on to the blonde. FIFA was safe; he could deal with FIFA.

"As long as you're okay with getting your ass kicked."  ** _Shit_**. Zayn cringed at his own word choice, letting the sentence hang awkwardly in the air between them. 

Niall only paused a beat before brushing it off, throwing Zayn a reassuring smirk coupled with, "In your dreams, Malik," and the game was on.

As it were, Niall ended up kicking  _Zayn's_  ass.

* * *

 

A knock on the door reverberated through Zayn's hotel room, startling Zayn from his half-conscious state. 

Too lazy to get up from the bed, Zayn called out a careless, "Come in!" 

He heard the sound of a key card being slid into the lock and breathed out a sigh of relief; that could only mean one thing - it was one of his band mates or Paul. There weren't many other people he felt like putting up with at that moment.

Keeping his eyes glued to the TV, he heard the person enter ungracefully, knocking into everything that posed even the slightest obstacle.

Zayn snort, knowing exactly who it was. "Harry you are so damn loud," he remarked, sliding over slightly on the bed to make room for the tall gangly lad.

"Actually, it's eh, Nialler," the Irish accent drifted lazily towards Zayn's ears, and his gaze shot to the source of the voice.

Sure enough, Niall was stood in the entryway, entire demeanor awkward and unsure as he fiddled with the edge of his tank.

"Uh, hi Ni." As if on cue, Zayn's pulse picked up and he let out a long sigh.  _Jesus_ , Niall made him feel like a fucking middle schooler rather than the grown man that he was. He felt strangely vulnerable (although he knew it was ridiculous) lying in bed with Niall in the same room without video games, or concerts, or the other lads as a buffer. 

"Can I hangout in here, with you?" Niall asked hesitantly, and despite the fact that Zayn wasn't looking at the blonde, he could feel Niall's gaze burning a hole in his shoulder.

Zayn paused, looking for a way out. "I, uh, I was just about to go to bed..." he trailed off weakly, rubbing at his eyes in a half-assed attempt to feign tiredness.

Niall let out a frustrated sigh, running one hand through his drooping hair, "You always do this." 

Surprised, Zayn let himself make eye contact with Niall. "Excuse me?" the confusion in his voice was unmistakable. 

"Every time I try to talk to you. You refuse to look at me, hardly even talk to me unless there's something or someone there to distract you. Dunno what I've done wrong, t'be honest." he sounded sad, defeated. 

And Zayn was completely at a loss for words. "You? What you've done wrong?” Zayn was taken aback, his brow furrowed, “You’ve done nothing wrong at all, Nil." Zayn knew his answer made almost no sense, hardly even addressed what Niall was talking about, but he was just so  _confused_. 

"Fuck, Zayn, then what is it?" Niall had started pacing and  _what the fuck was going on_?

"Niall,  _I literally have no idea what you're on about._ " 

"I miss you, Zayn! I miss you so much! If I can't have you as my boyfriend then I want you as my best friend again, yeah?" Niall stopped his pacing to look at Zayn, "Things were finally fucking starting to get better between us and then suddenly you pulled back. Now you can only be around me when we're playing FIFA or one of the others is there and _I don't fucking know why_!" Niall cheeks burned red but the blonde was obviously too frustrated to care. 

"Niall, I-" Zayn's voice faded out. Cringing, he thought back to the night he and Niall had been drunk, had slept together, and realized that was when he'd started pulling back again. Once again, he had taken advantage of the younger lad, and he resented himself for it. He couldn't understand why Niall would even talk to him after what he did, let alone want him back. "I hurt you," he finally finished, rubbing at his eyes tiredly.

Nodding his agreement, Niall took the little Zayn had said and ran with it, "Yeah, s'true, but practically ignoring me won't make up for that. To be honest, just hurts me more, really."

And that hurt. Knowing that whatever he did, Zayn was always hurting Niall.

"But then- then I can't win, can I? No matter what, I'm still hurting you, always hurting you." At some point Zayn had sat straight up on the bed, his eyes level with Niall’s steely blue eyes, "I hurt you back when we were dating; I hurt you if I don't talk to you, and hurt you if I do. Because if we talk, I know I'm just going to fall harder for you and inevitably hurt you more because _I can't stop myself_  from wanting you. Just like the other night..." and it all seemed so theatrical to Zayn, but what else could he do? Just the thought of hurting Niall more made him shudder; he couldn't believe he used to do it on the norm- used to intentionally cause Niall pain.

Niall's brogue interrupted his thoughts, "Wait, what? What other night?"

_Shit_. "Uh, nothing, I didn't mean to say that," a lame excuse and Zayn knew it.

Niall sighed irritably, "Fuck Zayn, we dated for  _months_  and you act as if I don't know you at all."

It was true, really. Zayn liked to consider himself cryptic, hard to read - that he was just crooked grins, tattoos, and smoke; but somehow Niall could always read his every thought, caught every emotion that flickered across his face. He let out a slow, even breath.

"Remember like two weeks ago when we went to the club?"

Niall nodded, inching closer to Zayn as he did so.

"Well- you got drunk, like,  _really_  drunk." Zayn paused again, and Niall nodded again, confirming this, before the older lad continued, "I didn't realize how drunk you were, like, at all. And you came up to me at the bar..."

With Niall's wide eyes, it was clear he knew where Zayn was going. "Wait, I remember waking up the next morning hungover as fuck and pretty much reeking of sex... I just thought- well, I just assumed I got horny and had a drunken wank, to be completely honest." He shrugged, still creeping closer. 

"Yeah, well, uh," Zayn brought his hand to the back of his neck, rubbing at it absentmindedly, "That's not exactly what happened."

"Shit," Niall sighed, now seated at the edge of the older lad's bed, "That's not how I wanted it to happen."

"But Niall, I  _hurt you, over and over again_! I don't know how many times I have to remind you of that. And  **then**  I took advantage of you when you were completely pissed."

"I don't know why everyone insists on treating me like I can't think for myself," Niall challenged, his arms crossed and his eyebrow cocked, "I think I know how to make my own decisions. I'm not a child, Zayn."

Without thinking, Zayn ran his eyes along Niall's filled out body, so different from the X Factor days, and scoffed. "Trust me, I know." He stiffed, embarrassed, and tried to figure out how the conversation had turned down this road. 

Despite himself, Niall grinned. "So then stop walking on eggshells around me, yeah? I'm not breakable."

With that, the blonde was up and back out the door as quickly as he appeared. 

And Zayn wasn't sure, but he thought maybe that meant he and Niall were, at the very least, friends again. No more walking on eggshells.

* * *

 

"Lookin' so good from your head to your feet..."

Zayn's voice wrapped around the arena as fans screamed the lyrics along with him. He slipped into the smile that had been gracing his face more often these days as he continued. 

"Come on come over here, over here..."

Eyes darting subconsciously in Niall's direction, Zayn nearly missed his next line when he realized the blonde was already less than a foot away from him, goofy concert grin stretching from ear to ear. 

"Oh I just wanna show you off to all of my friends..." Niall entered, sliding his arm around Zayn's waist, pulling the older lad closer as he turned his attention back to the audience. 

Zayn knew he should face the audience too, maybe pull some dumb face for them or something, but he was transfixed on Niall. Zayn's hand came up of its own accord, grasping Niall's chin as he sang his famous "chinny, chin, chin" line and squeezing playfully. His face squished together and the rest of his solo became a little jumbled, but it was all worth it to see Niall's face as he tried to sing through it. 

Doubled over in laughter, Zayn completely missed his next entrance as Niall swatted at him before running across the stage to harass Liam. 

Once he regained his composure, the Bradford lad joined back into the chorus, smirk still etched onto his face. 

He had missed this so much; missed fooling around on stage with Niall, missed the flirting. 

The end of the show went smoothly- Zayn never got jealous when Niall messed about with the others any more, he had taken to grinning stupidly and affectionately as he watched from his place on stage.

He was pulling his tour shirt off to change when Harry barged in, immediately pulling his clothes off before strutting around stark naked in search of his street clothes.

"Haz what the fuck mate," Zayn snorted, rolling his eyes at the lanky brunette as he turned his attention back to getting himself dressed, "Why do you even change briefs after the show? I don't get it."

"You know, you really should be used to this by now, honestly, it's been three years pal," Harry drawled, ignoring the question and standing up straighter in excitement as he located his socks and pulled those on first.

Zayn was about to respond but Harry started speaking again as he continued wandering the room, this time with socks on rather than completely nude and the raven haired lad resisted the urge to roll his eyes a second time. 

"Anyways, be careful mate," Harry advised gently, tone light as he slipped on his shirt and boxers. Zayn didn't even have time to be confused as Harry pushed on, "I see the way you still look and him. I trust you, and I know you wouldn't do that again, but Louis and Liam are a little less forgiving and a little more wary. Just make sure you treat him right."

And before Zayn could process this, Harry was slipping back out the door, now fully clothed, waving his fingers with an absentminded "Laterstagram" thrown over his shoulder, leaving Zayn standing alone in the dressing room once more. 

* * *

 

Since the incident, Zayn had more or less stopped tweeting. He threw out the occasional greeting or retweet here and there to let fans know he was still alive, but aside from whatever management posted about upcoming events or Perrie and her band, he didn't really bother with the social networking site. Too much of a hassle, really.

But this was too good an opportunity to pass up. 

He woke up from his 3 hour nap, stretching before rolling over and pushing his privacy curtains aside to see what everyone else was up to. He was greeted with the sight of a completely passed out Niall, complete with Ray-Bans and snapback, privacy shade half open as he snored loudly. 

Smirking, Zayn reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone, snapping a picture of the sleeping beauty. "Honestly Niall, Ray-Bans _and_  a snapback? Such a diva," he said to no one in particular, consider he and Niall were the only ones in the room and one half of the aforementioned was dead asleep. 

He typed out a quick tweet, fingers flying as he ended it with a smile and a kiss before pressing send. 

Bringing his hand to his own face, Zayn realized he actually hadn't stopped smiling since seeing Niall's face. He shrugged, figuring,  _why the hell not_ , the majority of his tweet was accurate, might as well make the whole thing. He climbed out of his own bed and into Niall's, pressing a kiss to the Irishman's forehead. 

Startled by the movement of the bed and the unexpected feeling of warm lips on his forehead, Niall's eyes fluttered open drowsily, taking in the sheepish smile on the older lad's face. "Wha-" he grumbled, furiously wiping the sleep out of his eyes as he let his brain catch up.

Oh. Zayn had woken him up. With a kiss on the forehead. Totally platonic.

Niall's still half asleep body, however, appeared to be working independently from his mind as he wrapped a pale hand around the tanned neck and pulled their faces together, connecting their lips in a kiss.

Zayn made a surprised sound in the back of his throat, but didn't resist, relaxing into it as he reminded himself, Niall initiated this. Niall is sober. This is what Niall wants.

And Zayn smiled against Niall's lips.

At the feeling of that, the blonde pulled back, looking in equal parts amused by Zayn's actions and surprised by his own. Quickly running through a couple of potential questions floating around in his thoughts, Niall settled on "What's so funny?", a smile pulling at the corners of his own mouth as he asked. 

"Just really missed this," Zayn leaned back in, lips brushing gently against Niall's as he added, "Just really missed you. 

Niall's cheeks tightened as he grinned widely, smile matching Zayn's in brightness. "I  _guess_  I did, too."

"Ya wanker," Zayn joked briefly, before reconnecting their lips once more.

Minutes passed as they re-familiarized themselves with the other's lips, hands tangled in hair and Zayn's foot dead asleep from the awkward position he'd been crammed in. Not that he particularly cared about that, he'd barely even noticed- only registering the taste of Niall he'd been craving for so long (this time not laced with the bitter undercurrent of alcohol and regret.)

Their fingers traced and their tongues wrestled and their breathing quickened until they were interrupted by a surprise little, "Oh!"

Niall reluctantly turned his head towards the source of the noise; Zayn didn't even bother as he impatiently nipped at the younger lad's lower lip. Standing in the doorway was a highly conflicted-looking Liam - at least seven different emotions passing over his face at once.

"Li..." Niall trailed off tentatively, snapping Zayn back to reality. The Bradford native finally pulled back, rolling to the side and settling in a seated position near the end of Niall's bunk. He looked up at Liam guiltily and bit his lip, all the while shaking his foot to get feeling back to it. 

"Well," Liam shifted uncomfortably, looking torn, "this is something."

"Yeah, Liam, man, I know you're probably really angry right now, like, but just listen okay? I learned what it's like to lose Niall and. I made a lot of mistakes. Mistakes that can't really be forgiven but like, I'm trying now. And I will never hurt Niall again in my life, hurting him hurts me. We both still want this, you know?" He looked towards Niall, relaxing a bit when he saw the blonde head bob in agreement. 

Instead of responding, Liam turned back towards the direction he came from and called out, "Lou!" 

It was quiet for a moment before Lou came striding in, followed by Harry who was undoubtedly telling some anticlimactic story that could have been told in 2 minutes but was instead taking 25. 

"What's up?" Louis cut Harry off, frowning slightly at Zayn on Niall's bed as Harry did just the opposite.

"Fuckin' finally!" Harry crooned, jumping on top of Zayn into the already cramped bunk and latching onto a tan arm and a pale leg in an awkward sort-of-hug. 

Niall grinned and launched himself forward onto Harry (or- he attempted to) but with the grip Harry had on his leg the three just turned into one big jumble of limbs.

"Wait," Louis interjected, eyes narrowed, "Finally what?"

Pulling one arm free from the tangle of Niall and Harry on the bed, Zayn rubbed at the back of his neck before admitting, "Niall and I... we're kinda back together, like."

Harry struggled to sit up, head popping up from between Zayn's leg and Niall's shoulder, before he cut Louis off, "Oh come on Lou, don't pretend like you didn't see this coming. They've been pining over each other since, y'know. I don't think we have anything to worry about this time."

"You don't!" Zayn added quickly, looking adoringly at Niall with his blonde hair stuck up in all directions and a slight worried crease between his eyes. 

"But Niall-" Louis protested, only to be stopped by the very person in question. 

Completely disentangling himself, Niall got up from the bunk and threw his arms around the Doncaster lad. "Louis, y'know I love you bro, yeah? And I appreciate everything you do for me. Buuuut. Sometimes you gotta let me make my own mistakes. Although I don't think this is a mistake, not this time," Niall smiled, pressing a sloppy kiss to Louis' temple. 

Sighing, Louis wrapped his arms around Niall to complete the hug and threw Zayn a glare. "Fine, but I swear to God Zayn, if you hurt him again I'll rip your eyelids off."

"Louis, mate, I know. If I ever hurt him again I'd save you the trouble and do the honors myself," Zayn laughed nervously, continuing, "C'mon Lou, Liam you too, you're two of my best mates despite everything, yeah? Trust me, I just. I realized what I lost. I'm different now, like."

Liam chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, before nodding, "Okay, yeah. Okay. But like Louis said, if anything-"

Nodding vigorously, Zayn agreed, "Yeah, man, I know."

Then Louis was launching himself at Zayn and Harry, engulfing them both in a hug and dragging Niall (to whom he was still attached from their hug) along with him.

"Hey!" Liam griped, before inserting himself into their hug and inevitably knocking his forehead on the bunk above Niall's with an "Ow!"

The five rolled around like that for an indeterminable amount of time, wrapped in each other and banging every imaginable body part against the wall or the bunk or someone else's head, huffing out indignant "Ow!"s or grunts every now and again through their combined laughter.

"Guys-" Paul walked in, stopped dead in his tracks at the all too familiar sight. "You five are impossible," he shook his head affectionately, walking back out and opting not to get involved.

The encounter had them all in stitches as the finally extracted themselves from each other and went back to their previous endeavors, smiles still etched onto all of their faces. 

Only when they were alone again did Niall turn back to Zayn, grin threatening to break his face in half. "Well that worked out better than expected!" his excited voice broke the silence, as he laid down, pulling Zayn down next to him. 

Laughing, Zayn wrapped his arms around Niall's waist and pulled their bodies closer. Niall nuzzled his head into Zayn's shoulder and he kissed the top of the blonde head before replying, "Yeah, I'd say so."

Minutes later, they were both fast asleep wrapped in each other's arms.

* * *

 

Flopping on the bed, Niall let out a loud groan before kicking his shoes off into the oblivion of the hotel room. 

Zayn snorted, coming out of the bathroom, toothbrush in mouth, to look at his boyfriend. "Wh's th'matta Ni?" he asked through a mouth full of toothpaste.

"Nothin' jus. The show was fun and everything but. So. Fucking. Long," he complained, looking thoughtful. A moment later, his mouth quirked up into a devious half smile as he added, "And I'm soo lonely over here, all by myself on this big empty bed." He emphasized his point by whipping his arms out and spreading his legs, covering only about two thirds of the king sized bed.  

"Mmmm, and?" Zayn put on a bored face, eyebrow quirked in feigned indifference at the suggestive blonde.

"Oh nothin, guess I'll just have to take care of myself," he quipped, closing his eyes and palming himself through his sweats.

Hustling back into the bathroom, Zayn spit out his toothpaste and rinsed out his mouth in a matter of seconds, leaving his still dirty toothbrush on the counter as he reentered the bedroom. "Fucking hell, Ni," Zayn groaned, climbing onto the bed, "You just can't control yourself, can you?"

Knowing he had Zayn wrapped around his fingers, Niall batted his eyelashes playfully at the older lad with an innocent, "I guess not..."

Zayn straddled the slim waist below and brought his lips to Niall's roughly, which Niall reciprocated just as intensely, hips grinding together. The'd fooled around, yeah, got each other off on occasion with a little friction and heated make-out sessions, but the couple hadn't had sex since the drunken night months ago, and before that, since before they'd broken up. He wanted Niall so badly and just-

He couldn't stop the growl desire that escaped his lips. Below him, Niall suddenly tensed, lips detaching from Zayn's as he flinched away, covering his face with his hands.

Panicked, Zayn rolled of his boyfriend, hands running through blonde hair gently. "Ni? Ni what's wrong?"

Niall just whimpered softly, still curled up into himself.

_The growl._

"Ni Ni Ni," Zayn chanted, pulling the seemingly small body beside him in towards his own, "Shhhh, Ni, baby, I'm not gonna hurt you, I won't, I promise I won't Ni." Although he wasn't particularly fond of pet names, never really fancied himself as the type of guy to give his boyfriend pet names, he couldn't help the term of endearment that he let slip. 

Niall's breathing had slowed, and he looked at Zayn from behind his hand out of the corner of his eye. "Z?" he whispered quietly, His body relaxed a bit as he turned to look fully at the older lad, cheeks coloring pink with embarrassment. 

"Yeah, Ni, love, I'm right here and I'm not going to hurt you, like. I swear, right? Those days are behind us, behind me, yeah?"

Huffing out a pent up breath, Niall spoke as his face turned a deeper shade of red. "Yeah, I know, Z, I'm sorry. I know, of course I know, that was stupid of me, I don't know why-"

Pressing his lips against Niall's gently, Zayn let out a little "Shhh" before pulling back and looking at the Irishman. "You have no reason to be sorry Niall. I understand completely."

Zayn stopped, acknowledging Niall's slight nod before continuing, "We don't have to do anything you're not ready for, Ni. Let's stop and just cuddle for a bit."

"No," Niall's voice rang loud and clear, surprising them both. "No, I-" he blushed sheepishly, "I want this. Want you, right now."

"You sure, love?" Zayn's uncertain voice filled both of their ears.

Niall shifted,rutting his regrowing erection up against Zayn as he breathed, "Yes, fuck, Zayn, yes."

Zayn brought his lips to Niall's neck, sucking thoughtfully, before he pulled away again. He ignored Niall's complaining little whimpers and asked, a little unsure of himself, "Why don't you top this time? Give you a little more control so you can get comfortable again..." Zayn trailed off slowly; he very rarely bottomed. 

Not even pausing to consider the question, Niall exhaled a breathy, "Yess," before pushing Zayn over on his back, bringing their lips together again.

Zayn moaned as Niall's mouth began working its way down, trailing over his jawline and down his neck, nipping and sucking as he went. The blonde stopped only briefly to pull off Zayn's clothing following by his own, discarding it all somewhere to their left.

Getting lost in the familiarity of it all, Zayn's head lulled back as Niall trailed his hot tongue down the planes of the tanned torso, taking extra care to mouth at the sensitive perking nipples and the smattering of hair trailing down below Zayn's navel.  "Fuck Ni," he groaned, hands wrapped lightly in the blonde hair. 

Grinning up at Zayn wickedly, earlier troubles forgotten, Niall slid his already slightly swollen lips along Zayn's achingly hard cock. His teeth grazed lightly at the sides as he went, and with a shock, Zayn realized this was the first time Niall's mouth had been on him since he lost the braces. It took all of Zayn's willpower to resist bucking up into the wet heat of Niall's mouth and Niall could sense it, placing his hand firmly on Zayn's hips to restrain him. 

"Niall, jesus," Zayn's voice was almost pleading, and although he usually topped, he suddenly couldn't wait to be filled by Niall. 

Pulling off suddenly, Niall quickly raced towards his luggage and rummaged around as Zayn whimpered at the loss. The blonde was back momentarily though, lube and condom in hand and was already rolling on the condom when he rejoined Zayn on the bed.

Squeezing a fair amount of lube onto his fingers, Niall quickly slid one into Zayn's (admittedly very tight) hole before bringing his mouth back to Zayn's leaking cock. 

Gasping at the double sensation, the Bradford lad wiggled a bit on Niall's finger, willing himself to get used to the feeling of Niall's finger fucking him open. 

"G'ahead, go more Ni," Zayn croaked, head clouded with pleasure as the Irishman continued to suck him off. 

Two, and then progressively three fingers entered Zayn, loosening him up for the next step. Niall scissored his fingers and Zayn let out a little cry of pleasure and pain intermingled, and with an impatient pant he acknowledged, "I'm ready Niall, c'mon."

Niall and his neglected member were more than willing to comply. Slicking himself up, Niall pushed Zayn on his side and got behind him. Only seconds later, he was lined up with Zayn's newly stretched hole and pushing in.

"Niall.." Zayn choked on his own words as he felt himself being filled, and he squeezed his eyes tight through the discomfort and pain. 

Laughing, Niall encouraged, "Fuck, Zayn, I love when you talk babe."

"More, more, more," Zayn consented, eager to get accustomed to the pain and move past it to the good part. Finally, Niall bottomed out and Zayn let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Fuck Ni, just gimme a mo'," his voice was absolutely wrecked, words coming in gasps as he adjusted to the fullness.

Zayn was tight and warm against the Irishman, and it took everything in him to stop himself from slamming forward into his moaning mess of a boyfriend.

His patience was rewarded shortly, however, when Zayn gave a jerky little nod signaling him to start. Niall wasted no time in pushing forward, one hand tight around Zayn's hip and the other pushing off the bed for leverage and speed. 

Thrusts speeding up, he heard Zayn groan loudly as he brought his hand to his own member, jerking himself wildly in time with Niall's thrusts. "M'close," he sputtered, head thrown back against Niall's shoulder.

Releasing Zayn's now undoubtedly bruised hip, a pale hand flew to Zayn's cock, knocking Zayn's own hand out of the way and grasping hard at the base.

"Not yet," he grunted between thrusts, "Wait for me."

Unable to do anything but whimper in response, Zayn turned his head hard to the side and met the side of Niall's lips in a sloppy kiss. 

Letting out an unintelligible grunt, Niall suddenly released his hold on Zayn and flicked his wrist upward, sending Zayn over the edge as he came hard on the hotel duvet, white hot spurts coating the bed. Niall came at the exact same moment, pelvis pressed forward hard into Zayn's prostate as he filled the condom and, subsequently, Zayn. 

They lay like that for a moment, chests heaving, before Niall eased out of Zayn and tied the end of the condom, chucking it in the trash bin beside the bed. 

Niall pressed a kiss to the back of Zayn's tanned shoulder, admiring the soft curve of his muscles and caramel color.

Flipping himself around, Zayn met Niall's lips for a chaste kiss as they came down from their highs. 

"Missed you so much," Zayn lamented for about the hundred and third since they had officially gotten back together.

"Don't gotta miss me anymore, do ya?" Niall's straight toothed grin caught his eye, and he licked playfully along his boyfriends white teeth.

"S'pose not, no," he grinned back, nuzzling closer to the blonde, not bothering to worry about the mess. That could be cleaned up in the morning; for now, Zayn was just content to cuddle with the very person he was sure he'd never get to hold in his arms again. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading loves! x  
> let me know what you think?


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